When I was in elementary school, I couldn’t wait for summer. The closer to June, the more impatient I became. I loved summer, not just because the pressures of school eased, but because summer in Portland was much better for a person with undiagnosed S.A.D.
The balance of my life has unfolded pretty much the same way. Couldn’t wait to graduate from high school to get to college, couldn’t wait to abandon college and leave Portland for California sunshine, couldn’t wait to quit the tedium of sewing for a living to go back to college. It’s a series of couldn’t waits. Couldn’t wait to leave one relationship and start another. Couldn’t wait to leave the teaching job after ten long tedious years, couldn’t wait to finish my doctorate.
Couldn’t wait for my mother to die. Couldn’t wait to leave Portland for Arizona sunshine. Couldn’t wait to escape the cockroach-infested, homicide-plagued apartment for a safer living situation, couldn’t wait to leave the financial burden of the safer living situation for the adventure of van life.
I could go on, and I will.
Couldn’t wait to find safe, stable, affordable housing, until I finally found it. So, what’s my next couldn’t wait? Today, I can’t wait to leave Arizona for my new apartment in Oregon. My next couldn’t wait will probably be can’t wait to leave this stupid apartment in Oregon for sunshine somewhere else.
The pattern is obvious. I’m not present. I’ve never been present. I’ve lived in the wreckage of the future my entire life, and I’m still doing it. I’ve learned nothing.