When something good happens, my first inclination is to pretend it didn’t happen, like a compliment or a good grade. Like my car running so well for so long. Like Walmart having excellent Smic apples. Like this spacious apartment in this peaceful small town. After I finally realize I can’t deny it has happened or is happening now, my next thought is, someone is going to take this from me.
When I see a blue summer sky, my next thought is, winter is coming. When I see my empty inbox, my next thought is, this won’t last, soon someone will demand my attention, I’ll have to pretend I’m smart, and my freedom will end.
My friend would say I’m being controlled by childhood trauma. Maybe she is right. I don’t know. I am not a psychologist. I’m not seeing one either.
I don’t let negative thoughts stop me from doing, receiving, and enjoying, but I am aware of those thoughts. Another friend said (about herself), “On a good day, my mind is trying to kill me.” That claim always makes me laugh. It’s a dark way to look at life, but it also rings true in a macabre sort of way, which I find hilarious.
Right now, the sky is blue. But it wasn’t earlier, and it won’t be forever. Winter is coming, whether I live to see it or not.
What is reality? Who knows. Sometimes I worry about the state of the world even before bad things have happened. But, as the economists say, in the long run, we are all dead.
For some reason, making room for neutral thoughts cancels out my pre-worrying. I don’t find it depressing to think about things ending. I feel sad sometimes but I don’t feel depressed. I find it liberating to realize the universe does not depend on my existence. It takes the pressure off. I don’t have to do or be anything other than what I’m doing and being.